Lost

I am feeling so lost tonight.  I feel like crying or laughing or screaming.  I want to eat!  I desire food so much!  I don't want anything in particular, maybe something crunchy and salty or some bread.  I want to eat because I am tired and for some reason sad.  Food is my enemy right now and so I decided to blog.  This is when the addiction rears its ugly head!  I want to give in to the demons in my head.  This is a great distraction, typing, mindlessly regurgitating everything I am feeling here on the screen.  My house is quiet except for the sound of the keys as I tap on them.  Going to bed would probably be the smartest thing to do right now, but my mind is racing.  I keep thinking about all of my friends and family who are without power and whose houses have been torn apart.  Also, I have been thinking about a friend of mine who is in a fight with one of her friends.  I don't think I have ever been in a really heated battle without running in the opposite direction or just completely avoiding the people or person altogether.  Now that I am older and have a few life experiences under my belt, I feel that this stuff that brings on confrontation and anger is so complicated.  Yes, I get angry and I have had some confrontations even in the past year, but I don't want to have anymore.  I know that this is impossible as I have small ones almost every day (and I still have quite a few more years to live through), but I don't want any more BIG ones.  I don't hide my feelings anymore, I tell people just how I feel.  This is something I have had to learn to do.  I get frustrated when people are not honest with me, because I am honest.  I also try to keep my nose out of other peoples' business and only give advice when it is asked of me.   Now I'm not saying that I do not have opinions and that I do not judge (even though no one is supposed to judge anyone else), I do have opinions and I do silently judge.  I also worry about what others think of me.  That is a hard habit to break.  There are some people who are important to me and what they think matters.  I don't care about what the whole world thinks of me or people I barely know.  Just the ones that matter in my heart.  I am really on a roll here.  I guess I am tired and my mind is unraveling and that is a good thing.  I am glad to have this venue to feel things out.


So tonight I am feeling lost and sad and worried and I want to eat.  I didn't eat, I posted here instead.  Now maybe my mind will rest and I can ease into sleep. 


Before I go, I want to say a prayer:  G-d please protect all of the people I love.  Keep them from going out of their minds, bring them the things they need, heal their wounds inside and out,  mend their shelters and grant them serenity.  Thank you for all of the blessings you have already bestowed upon us.  Amen

Paula G