Broken

I find myself all tangled up tonight.  I have had a burning inside me for days now and tonight it has come to a front.  I found myself crying.  No that's not right, weeping.  So much has been going on and I am raging inside.  Yesterday morning I found out that a cousin of mine had passed unexpectedly of an aneurysm in the night.  This was a cousin who knew me since I was born.  A man who bore some resemblance to my grandfather and also one of the last people who came to visit my grandmother while she was still alive, shortly before her death.  His wife is a bit younger and I am worried for her.  I love them both dearly.  I allowed myself to weep when I read the sad news and I called my parents and my sister.  One thing I chose not to do was burden my friends with this because most of them were already going through so much.  The hurricane had just hit and so many people were still without electricity.  I didn't want to cry on their already burdened shoulders.  So I carried the weight around and was content to do so until tonight.  Tonight I finally realized how much emotion I have been battling the past several days.  My baby is going to Kindergarten next week and he has Aspergers.  Have I prepared him enough? Will the teacher be kind?  Will he really get what he needs?  He has been seeing a new therapist and we have put in a lot of work for and with her.  My oldest son has been gone for most of the summer and he is finally back.  He is running the gamut with his emotions as summer comes to a close.  He came downstairs the night after the hurricane and told me he was scared because something inside him said he should die.  He is nine.  He shouldn't be feeling this way.  I know he was overwhelmed with exhaustion, but still this scares me.  My husband is being given the run around at work and he is exploring new options.  My college courses on line just started.  I have picked up a lot of hours at work. I am trying to get a raise.  I can't get in touch with my district manager.  He hasn't returned my emails or phone calls for the past two months.  My mind is racing.  I am going at full tilt and I am clinging to my husband and children for dear life.  Life is moving faster than the speed of light and I am becoming scared and I feel like a wreck inside.  I am living with the knowledge that I can't slow any of this down.  The summer went like a dandelion in the breeze and the end of the year is approaching.  Stores have holiday decorations out already.  I am losing time.  Tonight I felt broken.  I am trying to piece myself back together with order and rationality.  Right now I just feel like I am being kicked.  Last night for the first time in my life, I tried to meditate.  I sat in the floor of my bedroom after the children had gone to sleep and I hummmmmed and I repeated to myself that I am strong and that I am me and that I have faith.  I was nothing but positive.  I went to bed feeling like the next day would be a better one and that I could stay calm and poised no matter what was handed to me.  Today, I was fine until the sun went down and I had to come home from work and listen to the thoughts in my own mind.  I ate a late dinner and beat myself up over eating anything at all.  I hugged my husband and then I cried.  Now I write because I need the release.  I need to pour out my soul.  So, here it is.  I will go meditate and I will go to bed, but not before I weep just a bit more.

Paula G

Lost

I am feeling so lost tonight.  I feel like crying or laughing or screaming.  I want to eat!  I desire food so much!  I don't want anything in particular, maybe something crunchy and salty or some bread.  I want to eat because I am tired and for some reason sad.  Food is my enemy right now and so I decided to blog.  This is when the addiction rears its ugly head!  I want to give in to the demons in my head.  This is a great distraction, typing, mindlessly regurgitating everything I am feeling here on the screen.  My house is quiet except for the sound of the keys as I tap on them.  Going to bed would probably be the smartest thing to do right now, but my mind is racing.  I keep thinking about all of my friends and family who are without power and whose houses have been torn apart.  Also, I have been thinking about a friend of mine who is in a fight with one of her friends.  I don't think I have ever been in a really heated battle without running in the opposite direction or just completely avoiding the people or person altogether.  Now that I am older and have a few life experiences under my belt, I feel that this stuff that brings on confrontation and anger is so complicated.  Yes, I get angry and I have had some confrontations even in the past year, but I don't want to have anymore.  I know that this is impossible as I have small ones almost every day (and I still have quite a few more years to live through), but I don't want any more BIG ones.  I don't hide my feelings anymore, I tell people just how I feel.  This is something I have had to learn to do.  I get frustrated when people are not honest with me, because I am honest.  I also try to keep my nose out of other peoples' business and only give advice when it is asked of me.   Now I'm not saying that I do not have opinions and that I do not judge (even though no one is supposed to judge anyone else), I do have opinions and I do silently judge.  I also worry about what others think of me.  That is a hard habit to break.  There are some people who are important to me and what they think matters.  I don't care about what the whole world thinks of me or people I barely know.  Just the ones that matter in my heart.  I am really on a roll here.  I guess I am tired and my mind is unraveling and that is a good thing.  I am glad to have this venue to feel things out.


So tonight I am feeling lost and sad and worried and I want to eat.  I didn't eat, I posted here instead.  Now maybe my mind will rest and I can ease into sleep. 


Before I go, I want to say a prayer:  G-d please protect all of the people I love.  Keep them from going out of their minds, bring them the things they need, heal their wounds inside and out,  mend their shelters and grant them serenity.  Thank you for all of the blessings you have already bestowed upon us.  Amen

Paula G

No Way Up

I have recently learned that when it comes to moving up the ladder in a job, the powers that be couldn't care less how many years you have been with the company, how many customers you have brought in during your that time, that you have only called in sick perhaps twice in those years or how much extra you have done.  You may always go way above and beyond the call of duty, but it just doesn't matter.  A pat on the back is all that is in store for you and sometimes even a call to say thank you.  
It is because of all the things you do to be the best employee that cause you to not get recognition or a promotion.  One day you realize that you are being used!  They bring in new blood for a job that you are more than qualified for because they need you where you are.  You know the company inside and out and you have hit the "glass ceiling."  So, what do you do?  Do you stay at the obvious dead end job?  Do you fight for more (that could be scary)?  People will continue to push you down, they will make false promises over and over again.  You have two choices.  You can either move to another state or district within the company because in that region they need "new blood" and you know the company, so you are a great candidate for them.  Now you have to think about selling your house in a bad economy and uprooting your family, leaving your friends and the life you have known to continue to work for a basically corrupt company all because they don't give you what you deserve where you already live.  Then you move and have a new position and a new hate for the company you have worked with for so many years.  That sounds peachy.  On the other hand, you can start looking for a job with a different company.  You put your resume out there.  You go to interviews (feeling guilty the entire time) and wonder why the new company won't be able to give you the four weeks vacation you have worked so hard to earn.  The hardest part is knowing how much you have to give and how much you could be valued.  You have strong degrees and experience, you have great leadership skills and terrific references.  Maybe there are no openings out there.  After all it is a bad time in our economy for jobs.  You think about going back to school, but that is too expensive.  So what do you do?  Really... what do you do?

Paula G

A Sense of Accomplishment

I am so tired right now and should probably be in bed.  But I had this strong urge to write tonight.  I just finished updating my calendar on Microsoft Outlook.  It took me two hours.  I had to put in the events that were coming up for the school year for my two boys.  We already have so much going on and I know that it is only going to get more hectic!  I do have to say that I am relieved that it is DONE!  That is what brings me to my blog tonight.  A sense of accomplishment.  I feel that I have accomplished so much in this past week.  I have cooked, cleaned, done load after load after load of laundry, I have exercised and I have taken care of my family.  Tonight I am feeling proud of myself.  It is amazing how getting even the smallest of tasks done can make you feel so good.  My life is coming together and I am starting to feel at peace.  I think that is what we are all in need of, peace of mind.  My children are safe the house is clean, everything is going my way.  At least that is how I am feeling tonight and all I want to do right now is live in the present not worrying about the past or the future (not right now while I am feeling so good about today).
Okay, here is a final thought (or perhaps a prayer): May peace be with you and your family and may we all find within ourselves a sense of accomplishment.  Goodnight.

Paula G

Magic

A little drive off the beaten path, down a few winding roads and through a quaint little town rests a magical place. 

This weekend my youngest child and I visited the magical place.  My child has Asperger's and has a particular temperament.  He needs to be prepared for everything that is planned in our schedule and he has some sensitivity issues.  We talked about this trip a lot before it happened and he expressed marked excitement (a different kind of excitement from the usual excitement he expresses).  On this paricular trip, his excitement wasn't over what kind of toys he might get to play with or what amenities this magical place had to offer.  No, this time his excitement was over the people we were going to see. 

Six years ago, we had these lovely neighbors who lived right across the street.  A beautiful couple who we would wave to on occasion.  One day my husband comes home from work and tells me that he has discovered that the woman living across from us is pregnant just like me.  We are only a month or so apart.  I say "how lovely" or something to that effect and go back to my soap opera.  I was tired and miserable and while it was nice to know that my child may have a playmate, I just could not make the effort at this point to meet this woman.  Some time passes and one day, coming home from a doctors visit I see that this woman has had her child.  "How wonderful" I think as I struggle out of the car onto my crutches and fumble my way back to my bed where I am told to stay until my planned delivery date.  About 3 weeks or so after the birth of my boy, progress is made and the 2 moms are hanging out with the babies sharing stories over tea (in our pajamas).  A friendship is forged, we are kindred spirits and our sons are going to love each other.  Two and a half to 3 years later, my friend, her husband and their son move away. 

Fast forward to this past weekend.  Saturday morning my little guy and I load the car and head to his great friend's house.  We arrive just before lunch and the boys are instantly at play.  The 2 moms hug and settle in to begin a long over due conversation about how our lives are going.  We sit and talk for hours letting the guys run and play and have a merry time.  We take a short trip out to a small beach on the lake and let the kids splash around and show off their swimming skills, then pick up a pizza and head back to the house to tuck in for the night.  We allow the boys to stay up late playing Lego's and racing Hotwheels and we watch with such enjoyment over how these 2 guys can just pick up and reconnect. 

On Sunday, my friend's husband (who is also my friend), gets the crew up and moving.  We ride in the boat until the kids get too hot and then we take them to swim at the community pool.  It was a wonderful day filled with talking and togetherness.  We understand each other so well and they are so accepting of my child and his quirks.  The flow and fit of this friendship is just perfect and easy, laid back and fun.  We laugh and tease one another and I laugh at the banter between my 2 beautiful friends.  And we ALL watch the kids our amazing boys (who essentially brought us together). 

The magic of this place is not only the beautiful scenery, the small hills that roll in this quiet community, the deer that come right into the backyards , the lake that ripples and glistens in the sun, the screened-in porch with the sounds of the crickets and cicadas. That is all very nice and adds to the magic, but the real magic is in the people, the company, the ability to just pick up where we left off last time, the two little boys who adore one another. 

This fact must be known, my son does not hug just anyone.  There are members of my family who still only rarely get hugged by him.  He won't give hugs to my friends who have shown him such a wonderful time, but when it is time to leave this magical world, my son cannot give his friend enough hugs.  They hug as I pack, they hug as we walk to the door, they hug in the driveway, they hug as we get into the car.  My son gave his friend more hugs than I can count and I am beaming with joy watching the wonder of this unfold before my eyes.  It is as if he can't stop, he needs to let his friend know how much he loves him and this is his way of showing him.

As we pull out of the driveway after a very long and sad goodbye, my son says to me, "I don't know when I am going to see (my friend) again.  I miss him already and I will miss him so much, I love him."  I say "you know it is okay to cry if you are sad."  He says he doesn't need to cry, he is just sad.  This is the magic!  My Asperger's son has explained to me how much he adores another human being, a person who has been in his life since birth and will be in his life forever his "best friend". 

I sit there in the driver's seat thanking G-d for this blessing.  "Thank you G-d for bringing this beautiful family into our lives"  Life would not be the same without their magic.

Paula G

Addiction

Here is my admission.  I suppose some call it step one.  I am an addict.  I have been an addict for many years.  Once upon a time, I was addicted to a boy.  I can't call him a man because he was never a man.  My addiction for the past few years has been food or I should say eating.  When I found myself at a weight beyond my belief, I decided it was time to take some drastic action.  I had tried Weight Watchers, I had tried Atkins, I had tried portion control, I had tried and failed at every diet I could think of.  Although I never did Jenny Craig or any other food distribution program.  I was desperate, so I started to do research into gastric surgeries.  I knew as soon as I read about "dumping" that I would not do the gastric bypass, plus I had heard that you can regrow your stomach.  NEXT!!  I did my research on the Internet first about the lapband, then I started to make the calls.  I made an appointment with a reputable doctor who told me that I qualified and that I would be a good candidate.  First I would have to go to some seminars.  I took my mother and my husband along for the first seminar.  WOW!!  It was a lot to think about.  As with any other surgery, there were many risks.  I went to a few more seminars and decided after a month or so that this was the right thing for me to do.  In order to get ready, I had to do this diet they call "The Liver Shrinking Diet" and it was not going to be easy, but it was absolutely necessary.  In order to keep from nicking the liver, it must shrink and in order for it to shrink, you MUST follow the diet to a "T".  I did.  It went like this, 1 protein drink for breakfast and 1 for lunch and then a sandwich for dinner.  I lost about 17 lbs BEFORE my surgery and successfully shrank my liver.  So I had the surgery and got the band.  I was a model patient and followed the lapband diet perfectly and eventually added in exercise (which I then became obsessed with or "addicted" to).  I lost a total (including the "Liver Shrinking Diet") of 80lbs and I felt great!  Now I have to tell you I got sick and my doctors told me I couldn't exercise for a while.  I do not want to go into the details of my illness right now.  I couldn't exercise!  I got depressed.  I started eating food that made me feel better.  Food with sugar.  "Slider" foods are what we bandsters call them.  Slowly I started to gain weight and eventually I had put 40lbs back on.  Eventually I was under symptom control and released to exercise again.  I tried, but it just wasn't the same.  It took so much more work and it was so hard to get back to the mindset of eating the lapband way again.  I managed to maintain the weight I was at and not gain anymore, but finally got to the point where I was scared of what I was doing to my body with the band in.

Now it is 3 years since I was first banded and I am finally back on track.  I have realized that my addiction took control of me once again and I had been reading books that dealt with other types of addiction.  I decided to gain control and to maybe even work the 12 steps.  I look at slip ups as relapsing.  Get a taste of the good stuff and then you just want more.  I am on my 4th week of being "sober" and it is only getting harder.  While "detoxing", I was on a strict liquid diet and had a fear of maybe having to go through another surgery again to fix whatever problems I may have created inside my body.  So, now I am admitting to you, to whomever will read this.  I am an addict.  I do not want to relapse, but I know that relapse is inevitable for some.  I just have to make sure it doesn't spiral out of control and I also need to figure out how this addiction differs from the usual ones we hear about.  What are the limitations? What things am I allowed to just let go?  When is control established and what does it include? 

For now, I have this.  I can write about it and avoid nighttime snacking,  I can assure myself that I am serious,  I can have faith that G-d and prayer will help me through this and I can believe in myself.  Addiction is forever, but obesity doesn't have to be.

Paula G

A Work in Progress: ME

Before I start, I should tell you that I am Jewish.  I have my own beliefs about my religion and I think most people interpret their religions differently.  I for one struggled to come to a point where I accepted that this is what I was and a big part of who I am.  I do not attend temple on a regular basis, I do not keep Kosher, I TRY to light the Shabbat candles every Friday, but I do not observe the Sabbath in a conventional way.  My religion and my G-d are inside me.  I think about how to live my life to the best of my ability, to make it a full life where I do as many Mitzvot as I can.  When I let a car in that is coming from an on ramp, I think "well that was a Mitzvah", when I let someone with a screaming child in front of me in line at the super market, I think "that was a Mitzvah."  I try to do Mitzvah through my children and through my every day life.  I recite a few different prayers throughout the day every day.  When I wake up and right before I go to sleep,  I recite the Shema, before I eat, I thank G-d for the food that I am about to consume, I always bless wine if I am drinking any, and I generally talk to G-d all day.  Thanking Him for various things in my life.  One prayer that resonates in my head almost all day long is the Serenity Prayer:

G-d grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.

This prayer has become perhaps the most important one in my life right now.  I interpret in many different ways and apply different aspects of it to my life every day.  This may be one of the most profound prayers that I have ever come across.  It is as if you have to work it one step at a time.  Which is probably why it is the pinnacle of 12 step programs everywhere.  I have found that it does not matter if you are in a program in order to use this prayer in your life.  I feel it pertains to so many different things.  There is one part that stood out to me the most when I first started to apply it to my life.  Actually it was one word, "accept."  This brought about my "Aha moment" and started me on a journey that I know will be a life long one.  I looked the word "acceptance" up in the dictionary and found the definition that most suited my needs:

Acceptance: Willingness to toloerate a difficult or unpleasant situation.  (another definition that goes along with the prayer is: Agreement with or belief in an idea, opinion or explanation).

For me the work began when I realized that I needed to work on my acceptance and so I wrote this:

Accept myself and others for who I am and who they are.  Forget about projecting and judging and discomfort and preconceived notions.  Find out truth before formulating an opinion.  Change in self brings about change in others.  Try to just live and be happy.  Don't TRY to be happy, just BE happy!  Remember to love even when it is not well received or returned.  Pray.  Pray for the right things.  Talk to G-d.  Laugh, cry, dream.  Live and do it well. 

This I read every day.  It is so hard to do everything I decided to do here, but I am trying.  Acceptance may be one of the hardest things any of us will ever have to do in our lives.  It is my belief that we must all try though.  So, that is what I am working on.  Me a work in progress.

Paula G

My First Blog

Hello!  This is my very first blog.  I decided that this blog should be about why I started a blog in the first place, so here goes.  I have been doing a lot of reading lately as well as self exploration.  This has made me become more and more interested in seeing hoe other people view the world.  I have particular thoughts about G-d, addiction, genetics, science and so many other famous topics and I really want to get my opinion out there.  I also wanted to test whether I could become a writer or not.  I have so many interesting stories that I want to share.  I would love to see my work published one day.  So let's see how much interest I get on my blog.  

So, this is how my blogging will probably go:  I will not post regularly at the same time every day.  I will likely post when I have something to say and I will not use the names of any of my friends here.  

I have good and bad days, days when I am inspired and days when I am blocked, but I always love to write and so many things inspire me.  I ask that you be patient with me and tune in frequently .  I also ask that you give me regular feedback.  I can take constructive criticism very well.  

So, welcome to my world and I hope you find it interesting.

Sincerely,
Paula G.