Here is my admission. I suppose some call it step one. I am an addict. I have been an addict for many years. Once upon a time, I was addicted to a boy. I can't call him a man because he was never a man. My addiction for the past few years has been food or I should say eating. When I found myself at a weight beyond my belief, I decided it was time to take some drastic action. I had tried Weight Watchers, I had tried Atkins, I had tried portion control, I had tried and failed at every diet I could think of. Although I never did Jenny Craig or any other food distribution program. I was desperate, so I started to do research into gastric surgeries. I knew as soon as I read about "dumping" that I would not do the gastric bypass, plus I had heard that you can regrow your stomach. NEXT!! I did my research on the Internet first about the lapband, then I started to make the calls. I made an appointment with a reputable doctor who told me that I qualified and that I would be a good candidate. First I would have to go to some seminars. I took my mother and my husband along for the first seminar. WOW!! It was a lot to think about. As with any other surgery, there were many risks. I went to a few more seminars and decided after a month or so that this was the right thing for me to do. In order to get ready, I had to do this diet they call "The Liver Shrinking Diet" and it was not going to be easy, but it was absolutely necessary. In order to keep from nicking the liver, it must shrink and in order for it to shrink, you MUST follow the diet to a "T". I did. It went like this, 1 protein drink for breakfast and 1 for lunch and then a sandwich for dinner. I lost about 17 lbs BEFORE my surgery and successfully shrank my liver. So I had the surgery and got the band. I was a model patient and followed the lapband diet perfectly and eventually added in exercise (which I then became obsessed with or "addicted" to). I lost a total (including the "Liver Shrinking Diet") of 80lbs and I felt great! Now I have to tell you I got sick and my doctors told me I couldn't exercise for a while. I do not want to go into the details of my illness right now. I couldn't exercise! I got depressed. I started eating food that made me feel better. Food with sugar. "Slider" foods are what we bandsters call them. Slowly I started to gain weight and eventually I had put 40lbs back on. Eventually I was under symptom control and released to exercise again. I tried, but it just wasn't the same. It took so much more work and it was so hard to get back to the mindset of eating the lapband way again. I managed to maintain the weight I was at and not gain anymore, but finally got to the point where I was scared of what I was doing to my body with the band in.
Now it is 3 years since I was first banded and I am finally back on track. I have realized that my addiction took control of me once again and I had been reading books that dealt with other types of addiction. I decided to gain control and to maybe even work the 12 steps. I look at slip ups as relapsing. Get a taste of the good stuff and then you just want more. I am on my 4th week of being "sober" and it is only getting harder. While "detoxing", I was on a strict liquid diet and had a fear of maybe having to go through another surgery again to fix whatever problems I may have created inside my body. So, now I am admitting to you, to whomever will read this. I am an addict. I do not want to relapse, but I know that relapse is inevitable for some. I just have to make sure it doesn't spiral out of control and I also need to figure out how this addiction differs from the usual ones we hear about. What are the limitations? What things am I allowed to just let go? When is control established and what does it include?
For now, I have this. I can write about it and avoid nighttime snacking, I can assure myself that I am serious, I can have faith that G-d and prayer will help me through this and I can believe in myself. Addiction is forever, but obesity doesn't have to be.
Paula G
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