Tonight I am reflecting on the past few weeks. I am amazed at how little time it takes for one to have a learning experience and to change their views. Life is strange and ever changing. In my last post, I wrote about how broken I felt. Since then I have had a lot of time to sit with my emotions. I want you to understand that that last post was just one solitary night. I did go through some blue moments throughout the next few days, but I was in the process of healing. At this moment in time, I am happy and feeling more fulfilled. I have been working a lot of hours and I really enjoy my job and the people I work with. In fact, I am not sure what I would do if I did not have that outlet and adult contact. I might go to the gym more or do more housework or maybe just read. Who knows? What I do know is that I am very thankful to have a job that can take me away from day to day life and worries, a job that makes me feel important, valued and smart. I am one lucky person.
I have also been praying a lot lately. I don't pray in the same way I used to. When I was younger, I used to ask G-d to give me things and to bring me what I so desperately wanted. Sometimes this worked and sometimes it didn't. When it did, the outcome was never what I had expected. I realize now that I was asking too much and feeling like I was owed things in my life when in reality, I hadn't really done anything to deserve what I was asking for. I was selfish. Now I pray in a different way. I thank G-d for the wonderfulness of my life and for the challenges that I have been through whether large or small. I remember to be thankful for the family, friends, health and happiness in my life. I pray for other people, but never ask too much, just for health and happiness. I pray differently now because I have learned that selfish prayer does not work. At least not for me. I have learned this through reading and self exploration. I had to figure out what I was comfortable with and I also had to let G-d know that I truly believe in Him and that I truly love Him and that I want/ need Him in my life. I have been clearing my mind every night and making room for G-d to do His work on me. I have meditated and sat in silence. I have become comfortable with my prayers.
Recently, my husband and I were faced with some trials. He has been unhappy with the company he works for, his job and the way he has been treated for some time. This is what I have been fervently praying about. I want him to be happy and I want him to be healthy. I also want him to be valued and respected for all of the hard work he has done. He has been with his company for 15 years. He has called in sick maybe three times in all of those years. He has worked extra shifts, covered for other coworkers and generally gone above and beyond the call of duty for this company. That being said, his boss had made some promises that she was unable to keep and this put a very sour taste in our mouths. We were sickened by the way he was being treated. After 15 years, they still seemed to be looking at him as if he were disposable. He knows this company inside and out. He is always learning in order to find the best solutions for his customers/ patients and he knows more about the company's inner business workings than most. After one particular talk with his boss, it seemed to us that he had reached the "glass ceiling" and in order to break through, we would either have to move or look to another company to get what he so richly deserves. This saddened us and scared us all at the same time, but if that was the direction that we had to take for him to feel valued and be happy again, then that is what we would do. Promptly he found a company that wanted to hire him. The problem was that he would lose a week of vacation, have to travel 30 minutes further and the offer came in at a lower rate than what was discussed. On the plus side, he would be back on day shift, be in a new position (one of more power and responsibility) and would be able to focus on his health for the first time in three years. So the question was, take the offer and perhaps lose the benefits we have that are so amazing as well as losing money or stay where he is and continue to look while staying miserable. What if he looked and nothing better came along? What if we had to move from a place we call home and have grown to love? So, what did we do? We prayed. We asked G-d to bring us a new challenge. We asked for guidance and we thanked Him for bringing this difficult decision because we knew it was another learning experience. In the next few days, we talked a lot and consulted with family and friends. Then after a night of deep prayer and meditation our question seemed to be answered. The company that we had become so disheartened with called with an offer. A terrific offer. The terms have not yet been solidified, but we are very hopeful. We know that this change in our lives will be a challenge, but we have faith that we can get through it and learn from whatever life has in store for us.
I have spoken a lot about prayer and G-d in this post, but I want to be clear of something. While I do believe that G-d has a hand in how our lives are run and what lies ahead for us, I also believe that we have a choice in our own future. I feel that we have to work with G-d in order to know what is best for us. The challenges we are faced with and choices we are presented with are places for us to start new life lessons. We are always learning. I feel that G-d wants us to learn and evolve as we age. I also feel that this is a way to bring us closer to Him. We may never understand why G-d or life brings us these challenges or why our particular prayers were answered or not. We are allowed to be sceptical of what lies ahead because the waters are always going to be a little turbulent at times. It is faith that keeps us moving forward. Now I am talking about faith in ourselves. Knowing that we can make the best decisions in our own lives. After all, G-d can't make the decisions for us, He can only present us with the choices. I am not ashamed to say that I pray or that I believe in the power of the Divine and His presence within me. I am not a person who will tell others how to pray. I just know what works for me and what I am comfortable with. I believe that you have to find it in your own way and no one person is wrong in how they express themselves to G-d. We are all individuals for a reason. I also believe that we are supposed to learn from each other and grow in every experience. My hope is that we will all keep learning and enjoy the journey of life.
Paula G
