Broken

I find myself all tangled up tonight.  I have had a burning inside me for days now and tonight it has come to a front.  I found myself crying.  No that's not right, weeping.  So much has been going on and I am raging inside.  Yesterday morning I found out that a cousin of mine had passed unexpectedly of an aneurysm in the night.  This was a cousin who knew me since I was born.  A man who bore some resemblance to my grandfather and also one of the last people who came to visit my grandmother while she was still alive, shortly before her death.  His wife is a bit younger and I am worried for her.  I love them both dearly.  I allowed myself to weep when I read the sad news and I called my parents and my sister.  One thing I chose not to do was burden my friends with this because most of them were already going through so much.  The hurricane had just hit and so many people were still without electricity.  I didn't want to cry on their already burdened shoulders.  So I carried the weight around and was content to do so until tonight.  Tonight I finally realized how much emotion I have been battling the past several days.  My baby is going to Kindergarten next week and he has Aspergers.  Have I prepared him enough? Will the teacher be kind?  Will he really get what he needs?  He has been seeing a new therapist and we have put in a lot of work for and with her.  My oldest son has been gone for most of the summer and he is finally back.  He is running the gamut with his emotions as summer comes to a close.  He came downstairs the night after the hurricane and told me he was scared because something inside him said he should die.  He is nine.  He shouldn't be feeling this way.  I know he was overwhelmed with exhaustion, but still this scares me.  My husband is being given the run around at work and he is exploring new options.  My college courses on line just started.  I have picked up a lot of hours at work. I am trying to get a raise.  I can't get in touch with my district manager.  He hasn't returned my emails or phone calls for the past two months.  My mind is racing.  I am going at full tilt and I am clinging to my husband and children for dear life.  Life is moving faster than the speed of light and I am becoming scared and I feel like a wreck inside.  I am living with the knowledge that I can't slow any of this down.  The summer went like a dandelion in the breeze and the end of the year is approaching.  Stores have holiday decorations out already.  I am losing time.  Tonight I felt broken.  I am trying to piece myself back together with order and rationality.  Right now I just feel like I am being kicked.  Last night for the first time in my life, I tried to meditate.  I sat in the floor of my bedroom after the children had gone to sleep and I hummmmmed and I repeated to myself that I am strong and that I am me and that I have faith.  I was nothing but positive.  I went to bed feeling like the next day would be a better one and that I could stay calm and poised no matter what was handed to me.  Today, I was fine until the sun went down and I had to come home from work and listen to the thoughts in my own mind.  I ate a late dinner and beat myself up over eating anything at all.  I hugged my husband and then I cried.  Now I write because I need the release.  I need to pour out my soul.  So, here it is.  I will go meditate and I will go to bed, but not before I weep just a bit more.

Paula G