Tweenage Irresponsibility

Could someone please explain how I am being unreasonable?  Tweenager was supposed to be at home, in the door by 8:30pm this evening.  At 8:23pm he texts me "pick me up" (he is about a block away). I say I can't because I am reading with Little Man.  He says "It's too dark, I have a 20 lb book bag on and shoes to carry." How is this my problem? 9pm Little Man and I get in the car (30 minutes past when Little Man should be asleep) to collect Tweenager.  I made him put his book bag and shoes in the car (and phone) and then ride his bike in front of me to the house.  I believe this irresponsible behavior deserves a punishment.  No going to any friend's houses after school for the rest of this week and Monday and Tuesday of next week.  So, I ask again, how am I being unreasonable?  

Excuses heard from Tweenager:

"I did not want to risk getting hurt because it was so dark" There are lights on at every house, the street is not that dark.
"Friend's room has dark sheets over the windows, so I didn't know it was so dark so early" Really?
"Friend kept telling me to wait" Don't you have your own brain?

The Evils of the Smart Phone and Other Tween Issues

Two years ago I made a mistake.  I let my father talk me into letting my ten-year-old son get an iPhone for Hanukkah.  At first I was very much against this.  What I wanted him to have was an iPod.  Something he could listen to music on, play a few games, maybe look some stuff up on a secure Internet connection (from home) where I could monitor him, but my father had a good argument.  He said that he wanted to be able to Face Time with his grandson whenever he pleased and that he would be getting a phone down the road anyway and the price was not much different and (this one is huge) he would be paying for the service.  Sold!  So, why do I feel like this was a mistake?  First of all, he was TEN, I mean a ten-year-old with a phone!  What was I thinking?  We already had a little flip phone that we had gotten when he started riding his bike around the neighborhood and to a friend’s house.  All he could do with it was make calls.  We used it as a back up for various reasons as well.  In the first year of having the phone, everything was okay.  He really didn’t use it all that much and since none of his friends had phones, he only called and texted family.  The issues first began when I wanted to restrict his Internet searching.  IPhones have parental controls, but they are not fantastic.  I wanted him to be able to search, just not see everything.  I had to disable Safari because I could not restrict the content.  I loaded Google to the phone and I was able to set restrictions, but once a tween discovers YouTube, the controls are lost once again.  I had to decide if I wanted to let him surf the net at all.  I thought long and hard about it, looked for apps to control content and came up empty handed.  I decided to let it go for the time being and would check his browsing history every day to make sure he was being safe.  That worked pretty well for a little while.  Then, he entered middle school.  This is where the real issues begin.  Now he listens to music I do not approve of, texting with friend I have never met and wanting an Instagram, and Pinterest accounts and whatever else all of his friends have.  Until recently, I would not let him have any accounts.  One day, he came home from school and told me they had each created a Pinterest account in art and asked if he could have it on his phone.  I checked with the teacher and indeed he was telling the truth, so I let him have it.  I did some research on Instagram and there is no age restriction to get an account like there is with so many others (i.e. FaceBook).  We sat down together to set it up and I told him that he is never to change his password unless I okay it.  This allows me to have access to it as well.  I have already had to delete some of his followers.  I still do not like the idea of him having this account.  Maybe I am paranoid, but I just want him to stay innocent for a little while longer.  This is becoming more and more difficult.  Especially as children enter the dreaded middle school. 

In middle school, children get computers.  They are to take them with them to every class.  Gone are the days of the textbooks, everything they need is on their computer.  The school maintains the computers and has put security measures in place.  They do not limit the children’s’ Internet searching, they can still get onto YouTube and various other sites with ease.  They even get to set up Google accounts.  I was not prepared for any of this.  I know first hand how doing homework on a computer can be very distracting.  One minute you are typing a paper and the next you are looking up how to grow grass in you backyard.  Is this really the best idea for our kids?  Well, the computer leads to wanting more on the phone.  More music with raunchy lyrics, more YouTube videos, more social networking, and the list goes on.  The point is, I no longer feel safe.  I no longer feel that my child is a child.  He is only twelve years old and he is exploring a world way beyond his level of understanding.  How am I supposed to be able to protect him?  If I could do it all over again, I would have stuck with a simple flip phone that could only make and receive calls.  At twelve years old, they are trying to figure out who they are.  It is a time of self-discovery and confusion.  They have multiple personalities, one with their parents, one with their friends and another with their teachers and other adults.  Girls suddenly become important and peer pressure is at an all time high.  Homework gets harder and the responsibility now falls on their shoulders to make sure everything gets done.  Teachers do not send home folders bearing the week’s assignments; they use message boards on the computer.  If your child is struggling with a subject, it is up to you to find this out, they will not tell you.  You do not have contact with a teacher unless you reach out.  That is added pressure on you and your child.  Let’s add this up, puberty, self-discovery, homework, peer pressure, socialization, sports, chores, the media, and so on.  All at once, our child is in overload. 

I want to talk about one more issue; text messaging.  There is now way to keep your child from deleting messages from an iPhone.  There is no way to have their messages sent to you in an email.  They are not kept on some file somewhere in Cyberland.  You cannot retrieve them at all.  This is not true for Andriod users.  They have an app or something that allows you to get text messages sent as an email as well.  I have been able to set up an account on my Mac computer where I can receive iMessages from his phone, but that is all I can do.  I have had this conversation with so many people.  I have been told that I should not snoop on my child’s phone.  Really?  Why not?  Give me one good reason why a twelve-year-old child should have the right to privacy?  We have set restrictions on the usage of the phone.  He is not allowed to take it to bed and he cannot touch it in the morning until he is walking out the door.  When he gets home, he has to give it to us until all homework is finished.  He used to only get it on the weekends and we may revisit that rule.  If homework is not done or grades start to fall, the phone is off limits.  That is one good thing about the phone; it is great for punishment.  He absolutely hates losing his phone.  It does have a couple of good uses.  When we are at the mall or he is at Kings Dominion or some other place, not walking around with me, I know I can reach him.  I know that he can call for help if he needs it.  I can track him with the GPS on the phone too and this gives me a bit of peace-of-mind.  Although, this can be done with a simple flip phone.  So, if I can give any advice to the ones who come after me, wait as long as you can to get your child a smart phone.  It has created new worry and stress that you do not need.  Let them stay children for a little while longer.  They may get mad at you for making them be “the only one who doesn’t have a phone,” but so what. 

I am sharing some screen shots from my child’s phone below. If you want to know why I snoop, you can see for yourself.  While I was snooping, the person who said he was "horny" sent a picture of his member.  Now tell me not to snoop.  I am sure my son does not know who this is or how they got his number, but the fact is that he has it.  I am really glad I was checking on him because I can now put a stop to it.  Thank you for reading and I look forward to the responses I am sure I will receive. 

Broken

I find myself all tangled up tonight.  I have had a burning inside me for days now and tonight it has come to a front.  I found myself crying.  No that's not right, weeping.  So much has been going on and I am raging inside.  Yesterday morning I found out that a cousin of mine had passed unexpectedly of an aneurysm in the night.  This was a cousin who knew me since I was born.  A man who bore some resemblance to my grandfather and also one of the last people who came to visit my grandmother while she was still alive, shortly before her death.  His wife is a bit younger and I am worried for her.  I love them both dearly.  I allowed myself to weep when I read the sad news and I called my parents and my sister.  One thing I chose not to do was burden my friends with this because most of them were already going through so much.  The hurricane had just hit and so many people were still without electricity.  I didn't want to cry on their already burdened shoulders.  So I carried the weight around and was content to do so until tonight.  Tonight I finally realized how much emotion I have been battling the past several days.  My baby is going to Kindergarten next week and he has Aspergers.  Have I prepared him enough? Will the teacher be kind?  Will he really get what he needs?  He has been seeing a new therapist and we have put in a lot of work for and with her.  My oldest son has been gone for most of the summer and he is finally back.  He is running the gamut with his emotions as summer comes to a close.  He came downstairs the night after the hurricane and told me he was scared because something inside him said he should die.  He is nine.  He shouldn't be feeling this way.  I know he was overwhelmed with exhaustion, but still this scares me.  My husband is being given the run around at work and he is exploring new options.  My college courses on line just started.  I have picked up a lot of hours at work. I am trying to get a raise.  I can't get in touch with my district manager.  He hasn't returned my emails or phone calls for the past two months.  My mind is racing.  I am going at full tilt and I am clinging to my husband and children for dear life.  Life is moving faster than the speed of light and I am becoming scared and I feel like a wreck inside.  I am living with the knowledge that I can't slow any of this down.  The summer went like a dandelion in the breeze and the end of the year is approaching.  Stores have holiday decorations out already.  I am losing time.  Tonight I felt broken.  I am trying to piece myself back together with order and rationality.  Right now I just feel like I am being kicked.  Last night for the first time in my life, I tried to meditate.  I sat in the floor of my bedroom after the children had gone to sleep and I hummmmmed and I repeated to myself that I am strong and that I am me and that I have faith.  I was nothing but positive.  I went to bed feeling like the next day would be a better one and that I could stay calm and poised no matter what was handed to me.  Today, I was fine until the sun went down and I had to come home from work and listen to the thoughts in my own mind.  I ate a late dinner and beat myself up over eating anything at all.  I hugged my husband and then I cried.  Now I write because I need the release.  I need to pour out my soul.  So, here it is.  I will go meditate and I will go to bed, but not before I weep just a bit more.

Paula G