Time...

Time goes by so quickly.  As we get older minutes turn into seconds, hours to minutes and days to hours... We find ourselves saying all too often "it seems like only yesterday when..."

One morning about a month ago, my youngest son informed me that he had an "accident" in his bed.  This was not the first time as children do have accidents (I do hope it was the last).  I thanked him for telling me and after shuffling him and his older brother off to school, set out to tackle the task at hand, changing the sheets.  I went to his room and stared at his bed with the race car tent attached to it.  That darn tent made it so hard to change the sheets and was falling apart.  I was starting to despise that tent!  It was at that very moment that I decided it had to go.  I took it down and changed the sheets with ease.  Then I stared at the bed thinking about who would have a tougher time with it being gone, me or my son.  He have had that tent for about 3 years and now it was down lying on the floor folded neatly.  I knew in my heart he was going to be fine.  He was growing up.  But what about me?  I wanted that tent to come down for so long and here I was about to cry over the fact that it was finally down.  

That same son was still sucking on a pacifier until about a month prior to taking down the tent.  He was too old by "normal" standards to be using one, but he had good reason and permission and only used it at night.  That was a HUGE transition for him.  Two transitions so close together.  I was overwhelmed with emotions.  I was sad that I was losing my "little" boy and happy that he was becoming a "big" boy.  It didn't seem like it had been this difficult with my oldest, getting through these transitions.  I do remember being sad about the pacifier leaving his mouth when he was 3, but was it really as hard as this?  Maybe time dulled the sadness.  

Time has a way of chasing away some memories and bringing in new ones.  I wonder if I will remember what he looked like when he slept in that tent.  I wonder if he will remember the feel of the pacifier that he used to rub on his cheek.  In life, we are constantly moving forward.  We are often reminded of our past and we use it to learn.  That is how we become wise.  That is how we learn.  My children are growing and I don't want to take that away from them, but if I could slow it down or freeze the precious moments, I would. 

It seems like only yesterday that they were born...  

Broken

I find myself all tangled up tonight.  I have had a burning inside me for days now and tonight it has come to a front.  I found myself crying.  No that's not right, weeping.  So much has been going on and I am raging inside.  Yesterday morning I found out that a cousin of mine had passed unexpectedly of an aneurysm in the night.  This was a cousin who knew me since I was born.  A man who bore some resemblance to my grandfather and also one of the last people who came to visit my grandmother while she was still alive, shortly before her death.  His wife is a bit younger and I am worried for her.  I love them both dearly.  I allowed myself to weep when I read the sad news and I called my parents and my sister.  One thing I chose not to do was burden my friends with this because most of them were already going through so much.  The hurricane had just hit and so many people were still without electricity.  I didn't want to cry on their already burdened shoulders.  So I carried the weight around and was content to do so until tonight.  Tonight I finally realized how much emotion I have been battling the past several days.  My baby is going to Kindergarten next week and he has Aspergers.  Have I prepared him enough? Will the teacher be kind?  Will he really get what he needs?  He has been seeing a new therapist and we have put in a lot of work for and with her.  My oldest son has been gone for most of the summer and he is finally back.  He is running the gamut with his emotions as summer comes to a close.  He came downstairs the night after the hurricane and told me he was scared because something inside him said he should die.  He is nine.  He shouldn't be feeling this way.  I know he was overwhelmed with exhaustion, but still this scares me.  My husband is being given the run around at work and he is exploring new options.  My college courses on line just started.  I have picked up a lot of hours at work. I am trying to get a raise.  I can't get in touch with my district manager.  He hasn't returned my emails or phone calls for the past two months.  My mind is racing.  I am going at full tilt and I am clinging to my husband and children for dear life.  Life is moving faster than the speed of light and I am becoming scared and I feel like a wreck inside.  I am living with the knowledge that I can't slow any of this down.  The summer went like a dandelion in the breeze and the end of the year is approaching.  Stores have holiday decorations out already.  I am losing time.  Tonight I felt broken.  I am trying to piece myself back together with order and rationality.  Right now I just feel like I am being kicked.  Last night for the first time in my life, I tried to meditate.  I sat in the floor of my bedroom after the children had gone to sleep and I hummmmmed and I repeated to myself that I am strong and that I am me and that I have faith.  I was nothing but positive.  I went to bed feeling like the next day would be a better one and that I could stay calm and poised no matter what was handed to me.  Today, I was fine until the sun went down and I had to come home from work and listen to the thoughts in my own mind.  I ate a late dinner and beat myself up over eating anything at all.  I hugged my husband and then I cried.  Now I write because I need the release.  I need to pour out my soul.  So, here it is.  I will go meditate and I will go to bed, but not before I weep just a bit more.

Paula G