Thirteen is the New Fifteen

We have babies to have babies, not to have teenagers.  But what would we do without teenagers?  This life would be so boring if they didn't exist.

Sometimes when you are a parent, you take a look at your life, not the life you have now, but your past and if you had a rough entry into adulthood, you might fear that you are going to ruin your kid because they are so much like you and they have your genes.  You helicopter parent trying to prevent what you are afraid is going to happen to them.  More than anything else, you do not want them to make the same mistakes you made.  You want to protect them from themselves.  This is a problem if you are a different sex because... well, boys are different from girls.  I was never a 13 year old boy.  I don't know how they think, or what is important to them.  I don't know how it feels to have raging teenage boy hormones and I don't want to know.  I do know that in a lot of ways, they are all the same.  They play with language behind our backs and make crude jokes that we may or may not understand.  They think they know all there is to know about the world and people and they think that nothing bad will ever happen to them.  I am lucky that I have a 13 year old who still likes to cuddle.  He doesn't give me big hugs in public, but he is very affectionate at home.  He loves his family and is fantastic with his little cousins.  For the most part, he is grateful for what he has and shows appreciation.  He is also a bit messy and lazy, but that is just part of being a teen.  

Over the past year, my son transitioned from a 12 year old boy to a 13 year old teenage boy.  The transformation has been amazing.  He was a squeaky, brace-faced kid and now he is a pimple faced, almost as tall as me, hairy thing.  As much as seeing these changes amaze me, they also terrify me.  As a 13 year old girl, I was very naive.  I learned about sex from diagrams on posters in health class and maybe a little bit from my parents careful explanations.  We were taught that the reason for sexual intercourse was to make babies and that you should not have sex until you are married.  We learned about STD's and what the other sex's parts looked like and that was about it.  I admit, at that age I really wasn't all that curious.  I never really understood what people were talking about when they gossiped about what so-and-so was doing with what's-his-name.  I was only interested in getting my first kiss because everyone else had gotten theirs.  Sometimes I wonder if the naiveté also came from the fact that I was growing up in a small town (a bit sheltered).  Times have changed so much.  My son has seen things that would have scared me at his age.  He already knows what a lot of sexual terms mean.  This is a discussion that I feel is very important to have as difficult as it may be.  My child is not the only one who has this exposure.  Because of media and the internet, our children have access to everything.  Teen pregnancy has been glorified and sex is in almost every television show out there.  Our children are overexposed and no matter how much we want to shelter them, it is becoming impossible.  Our kids grow up much faster than we did and I don't see this changing anytime soon.  You know how "40 is the new 30?" Well, 13 is the new 15.   

When I first realized that my son had seen and heard things that I was not yet ready for him to see or hear, I reacted by freaking out.  I did not want my pure, wonderful, kind, loving child to be exposed to this or even worse corrupted by it.  My biggest fear is that he was a kid who was easily influenced and that he would want to do whatever seemed to him to be fun.  I wanted to take all of the electronic devices in the house and smash them to bits.  I wanted to punish him for looking at these things and I wanted to lock him in the house and never let him out.  Instead, I cried and thought that I was a horrible parent.  How could I let this happen?  How did he get around all of the parental controls I had in place?  What was I doing wrong?  I went on like this for some time.  I had discussions with my son about what he was looking at and about porn addiction.  I asked him if he was having sex or doing drugs every day and drove both of us crazy.  I admit, it took me a few weeks to calm down, but I finally did after talking to some very knowledgable people on the subject.  These people assured me that my baby was just fine and that everything he was doing was really very "normal."  I have been told by some of my male contemporaries that they would have been doing the same thing if they had access at that age.  

I still believe that our children should be sheltered from a lot of these things until they are older and I do feel like my son has been corrupted in some ways.  We talk openly about sex and drugs, but I have backed off some.  I do not allow pornography and if I see it, I will take his phone away.  I have accepted the fact that it is natural for him to be curious and for him to look, but I will not enable him. It is one thing to see nude pictures, it is not okay with me for him to see sex videos.  I feel that women are objectified to the Nth degree in our society and I want my son to know that women are not playthings.  

There is one more topic I would like to discuss.  Because of social media, our children can communicate with the world and we need to educate them to be careful.  They all want to have thousands of followers because they think that is what it means to be popular.  I have told my son to be careful and not to accept anyone's friend request who he does not know personally.  Do I think that he follows that rule?  No, I am sure he doesn't, but I check his friends list on a regular basis and delete anyone I feel to be inappropriate.  If he wants to be part of social media, he has to be friends with family members and he knows not to put anything on Instagram that he would not want his grandparents to see.  That being said, there are ways to have private conversations and our children are sexting.  They are able to say things in messages that they may not say in person because absence of face gives confidence and because you can be anyone you want to be when you are virtual.  This is what I want to warn.  Parents, please remember that your child's phone belongs to you, not them.  It is a privilege for them to have and use, but it is your property and you have every right to go through it and you should.  It is for their own safety.  Please teach them to be careful and to never put anything out there that is personal (pictures, addresses, phone numbers, etc).  Let's keep our kids safe.  They are going to look at what they are going to look at and even if you try to stop them, they will find a way.  It is our responsibility to make sure they are careful and safe.  

Tweenage Irresponsibility

Could someone please explain how I am being unreasonable?  Tweenager was supposed to be at home, in the door by 8:30pm this evening.  At 8:23pm he texts me "pick me up" (he is about a block away). I say I can't because I am reading with Little Man.  He says "It's too dark, I have a 20 lb book bag on and shoes to carry." How is this my problem? 9pm Little Man and I get in the car (30 minutes past when Little Man should be asleep) to collect Tweenager.  I made him put his book bag and shoes in the car (and phone) and then ride his bike in front of me to the house.  I believe this irresponsible behavior deserves a punishment.  No going to any friend's houses after school for the rest of this week and Monday and Tuesday of next week.  So, I ask again, how am I being unreasonable?  

Excuses heard from Tweenager:

"I did not want to risk getting hurt because it was so dark" There are lights on at every house, the street is not that dark.
"Friend's room has dark sheets over the windows, so I didn't know it was so dark so early" Really?
"Friend kept telling me to wait" Don't you have your own brain?

The Evils of the Smart Phone and Other Tween Issues

Two years ago I made a mistake.  I let my father talk me into letting my ten-year-old son get an iPhone for Hanukkah.  At first I was very much against this.  What I wanted him to have was an iPod.  Something he could listen to music on, play a few games, maybe look some stuff up on a secure Internet connection (from home) where I could monitor him, but my father had a good argument.  He said that he wanted to be able to Face Time with his grandson whenever he pleased and that he would be getting a phone down the road anyway and the price was not much different and (this one is huge) he would be paying for the service.  Sold!  So, why do I feel like this was a mistake?  First of all, he was TEN, I mean a ten-year-old with a phone!  What was I thinking?  We already had a little flip phone that we had gotten when he started riding his bike around the neighborhood and to a friend’s house.  All he could do with it was make calls.  We used it as a back up for various reasons as well.  In the first year of having the phone, everything was okay.  He really didn’t use it all that much and since none of his friends had phones, he only called and texted family.  The issues first began when I wanted to restrict his Internet searching.  IPhones have parental controls, but they are not fantastic.  I wanted him to be able to search, just not see everything.  I had to disable Safari because I could not restrict the content.  I loaded Google to the phone and I was able to set restrictions, but once a tween discovers YouTube, the controls are lost once again.  I had to decide if I wanted to let him surf the net at all.  I thought long and hard about it, looked for apps to control content and came up empty handed.  I decided to let it go for the time being and would check his browsing history every day to make sure he was being safe.  That worked pretty well for a little while.  Then, he entered middle school.  This is where the real issues begin.  Now he listens to music I do not approve of, texting with friend I have never met and wanting an Instagram, and Pinterest accounts and whatever else all of his friends have.  Until recently, I would not let him have any accounts.  One day, he came home from school and told me they had each created a Pinterest account in art and asked if he could have it on his phone.  I checked with the teacher and indeed he was telling the truth, so I let him have it.  I did some research on Instagram and there is no age restriction to get an account like there is with so many others (i.e. FaceBook).  We sat down together to set it up and I told him that he is never to change his password unless I okay it.  This allows me to have access to it as well.  I have already had to delete some of his followers.  I still do not like the idea of him having this account.  Maybe I am paranoid, but I just want him to stay innocent for a little while longer.  This is becoming more and more difficult.  Especially as children enter the dreaded middle school. 

In middle school, children get computers.  They are to take them with them to every class.  Gone are the days of the textbooks, everything they need is on their computer.  The school maintains the computers and has put security measures in place.  They do not limit the children’s’ Internet searching, they can still get onto YouTube and various other sites with ease.  They even get to set up Google accounts.  I was not prepared for any of this.  I know first hand how doing homework on a computer can be very distracting.  One minute you are typing a paper and the next you are looking up how to grow grass in you backyard.  Is this really the best idea for our kids?  Well, the computer leads to wanting more on the phone.  More music with raunchy lyrics, more YouTube videos, more social networking, and the list goes on.  The point is, I no longer feel safe.  I no longer feel that my child is a child.  He is only twelve years old and he is exploring a world way beyond his level of understanding.  How am I supposed to be able to protect him?  If I could do it all over again, I would have stuck with a simple flip phone that could only make and receive calls.  At twelve years old, they are trying to figure out who they are.  It is a time of self-discovery and confusion.  They have multiple personalities, one with their parents, one with their friends and another with their teachers and other adults.  Girls suddenly become important and peer pressure is at an all time high.  Homework gets harder and the responsibility now falls on their shoulders to make sure everything gets done.  Teachers do not send home folders bearing the week’s assignments; they use message boards on the computer.  If your child is struggling with a subject, it is up to you to find this out, they will not tell you.  You do not have contact with a teacher unless you reach out.  That is added pressure on you and your child.  Let’s add this up, puberty, self-discovery, homework, peer pressure, socialization, sports, chores, the media, and so on.  All at once, our child is in overload. 

I want to talk about one more issue; text messaging.  There is now way to keep your child from deleting messages from an iPhone.  There is no way to have their messages sent to you in an email.  They are not kept on some file somewhere in Cyberland.  You cannot retrieve them at all.  This is not true for Andriod users.  They have an app or something that allows you to get text messages sent as an email as well.  I have been able to set up an account on my Mac computer where I can receive iMessages from his phone, but that is all I can do.  I have had this conversation with so many people.  I have been told that I should not snoop on my child’s phone.  Really?  Why not?  Give me one good reason why a twelve-year-old child should have the right to privacy?  We have set restrictions on the usage of the phone.  He is not allowed to take it to bed and he cannot touch it in the morning until he is walking out the door.  When he gets home, he has to give it to us until all homework is finished.  He used to only get it on the weekends and we may revisit that rule.  If homework is not done or grades start to fall, the phone is off limits.  That is one good thing about the phone; it is great for punishment.  He absolutely hates losing his phone.  It does have a couple of good uses.  When we are at the mall or he is at Kings Dominion or some other place, not walking around with me, I know I can reach him.  I know that he can call for help if he needs it.  I can track him with the GPS on the phone too and this gives me a bit of peace-of-mind.  Although, this can be done with a simple flip phone.  So, if I can give any advice to the ones who come after me, wait as long as you can to get your child a smart phone.  It has created new worry and stress that you do not need.  Let them stay children for a little while longer.  They may get mad at you for making them be “the only one who doesn’t have a phone,” but so what. 

I am sharing some screen shots from my child’s phone below. If you want to know why I snoop, you can see for yourself.  While I was snooping, the person who said he was "horny" sent a picture of his member.  Now tell me not to snoop.  I am sure my son does not know who this is or how they got his number, but the fact is that he has it.  I am really glad I was checking on him because I can now put a stop to it.  Thank you for reading and I look forward to the responses I am sure I will receive.