Lost

I am feeling so lost tonight.  I feel like crying or laughing or screaming.  I want to eat!  I desire food so much!  I don't want anything in particular, maybe something crunchy and salty or some bread.  I want to eat because I am tired and for some reason sad.  Food is my enemy right now and so I decided to blog.  This is when the addiction rears its ugly head!  I want to give in to the demons in my head.  This is a great distraction, typing, mindlessly regurgitating everything I am feeling here on the screen.  My house is quiet except for the sound of the keys as I tap on them.  Going to bed would probably be the smartest thing to do right now, but my mind is racing.  I keep thinking about all of my friends and family who are without power and whose houses have been torn apart.  Also, I have been thinking about a friend of mine who is in a fight with one of her friends.  I don't think I have ever been in a really heated battle without running in the opposite direction or just completely avoiding the people or person altogether.  Now that I am older and have a few life experiences under my belt, I feel that this stuff that brings on confrontation and anger is so complicated.  Yes, I get angry and I have had some confrontations even in the past year, but I don't want to have anymore.  I know that this is impossible as I have small ones almost every day (and I still have quite a few more years to live through), but I don't want any more BIG ones.  I don't hide my feelings anymore, I tell people just how I feel.  This is something I have had to learn to do.  I get frustrated when people are not honest with me, because I am honest.  I also try to keep my nose out of other peoples' business and only give advice when it is asked of me.   Now I'm not saying that I do not have opinions and that I do not judge (even though no one is supposed to judge anyone else), I do have opinions and I do silently judge.  I also worry about what others think of me.  That is a hard habit to break.  There are some people who are important to me and what they think matters.  I don't care about what the whole world thinks of me or people I barely know.  Just the ones that matter in my heart.  I am really on a roll here.  I guess I am tired and my mind is unraveling and that is a good thing.  I am glad to have this venue to feel things out.


So tonight I am feeling lost and sad and worried and I want to eat.  I didn't eat, I posted here instead.  Now maybe my mind will rest and I can ease into sleep. 


Before I go, I want to say a prayer:  G-d please protect all of the people I love.  Keep them from going out of their minds, bring them the things they need, heal their wounds inside and out,  mend their shelters and grant them serenity.  Thank you for all of the blessings you have already bestowed upon us.  Amen

Paula G

Addiction

Here is my admission.  I suppose some call it step one.  I am an addict.  I have been an addict for many years.  Once upon a time, I was addicted to a boy.  I can't call him a man because he was never a man.  My addiction for the past few years has been food or I should say eating.  When I found myself at a weight beyond my belief, I decided it was time to take some drastic action.  I had tried Weight Watchers, I had tried Atkins, I had tried portion control, I had tried and failed at every diet I could think of.  Although I never did Jenny Craig or any other food distribution program.  I was desperate, so I started to do research into gastric surgeries.  I knew as soon as I read about "dumping" that I would not do the gastric bypass, plus I had heard that you can regrow your stomach.  NEXT!!  I did my research on the Internet first about the lapband, then I started to make the calls.  I made an appointment with a reputable doctor who told me that I qualified and that I would be a good candidate.  First I would have to go to some seminars.  I took my mother and my husband along for the first seminar.  WOW!!  It was a lot to think about.  As with any other surgery, there were many risks.  I went to a few more seminars and decided after a month or so that this was the right thing for me to do.  In order to get ready, I had to do this diet they call "The Liver Shrinking Diet" and it was not going to be easy, but it was absolutely necessary.  In order to keep from nicking the liver, it must shrink and in order for it to shrink, you MUST follow the diet to a "T".  I did.  It went like this, 1 protein drink for breakfast and 1 for lunch and then a sandwich for dinner.  I lost about 17 lbs BEFORE my surgery and successfully shrank my liver.  So I had the surgery and got the band.  I was a model patient and followed the lapband diet perfectly and eventually added in exercise (which I then became obsessed with or "addicted" to).  I lost a total (including the "Liver Shrinking Diet") of 80lbs and I felt great!  Now I have to tell you I got sick and my doctors told me I couldn't exercise for a while.  I do not want to go into the details of my illness right now.  I couldn't exercise!  I got depressed.  I started eating food that made me feel better.  Food with sugar.  "Slider" foods are what we bandsters call them.  Slowly I started to gain weight and eventually I had put 40lbs back on.  Eventually I was under symptom control and released to exercise again.  I tried, but it just wasn't the same.  It took so much more work and it was so hard to get back to the mindset of eating the lapband way again.  I managed to maintain the weight I was at and not gain anymore, but finally got to the point where I was scared of what I was doing to my body with the band in.

Now it is 3 years since I was first banded and I am finally back on track.  I have realized that my addiction took control of me once again and I had been reading books that dealt with other types of addiction.  I decided to gain control and to maybe even work the 12 steps.  I look at slip ups as relapsing.  Get a taste of the good stuff and then you just want more.  I am on my 4th week of being "sober" and it is only getting harder.  While "detoxing", I was on a strict liquid diet and had a fear of maybe having to go through another surgery again to fix whatever problems I may have created inside my body.  So, now I am admitting to you, to whomever will read this.  I am an addict.  I do not want to relapse, but I know that relapse is inevitable for some.  I just have to make sure it doesn't spiral out of control and I also need to figure out how this addiction differs from the usual ones we hear about.  What are the limitations? What things am I allowed to just let go?  When is control established and what does it include? 

For now, I have this.  I can write about it and avoid nighttime snacking,  I can assure myself that I am serious,  I can have faith that G-d and prayer will help me through this and I can believe in myself.  Addiction is forever, but obesity doesn't have to be.

Paula G